And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i love accidental penises.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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