My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
