I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
