I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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