I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
