you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
