Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
