Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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