she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
