You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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