I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Someone came in the potted fern
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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