Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
