he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
