i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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