pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
