I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize