So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
