I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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