Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
