Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
