apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
