I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
