my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
