how can u be prego again
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
