i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
