Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
