i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Two words: nipple clamps
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