Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
