Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
