I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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