I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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