dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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