do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
