What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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