I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
