is your mom at the bar?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
