I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
