im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
