It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
