I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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