How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
