my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
