I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
