are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
