I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize