I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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