I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
