Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
