he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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