If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
