Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how does that bad decision feel?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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