I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
