Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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