She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Damn victory sex feels great
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize