It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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